Lost in Translation

Last night, I stumbled across a special on ABC that warrants mentioning in these pages. The 90-minute documentary centered around a fascinating species unlike anything I've seen in nature.

The females in this species outnumber the males like 10:1 and worship him as a result. Doing little but lounge around the hive or nest or whatever it is, the female contributes nothing to the welfare of the species. Somehow, though, these creatures have survived long enough to develop the ability to walk erect, and even a rudimentary form of communication that appears to consist entirely of high-pitched squeals and crying.  The crying is particularly prominent, and must serve some adaptive function because the female appears to be able to turn it on and off at a moment's notice.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered I wasn't watching a nature special at all, but that these bizarre creatures were actually "human" (debatable) and I was watching "The Bachelor."

This year's bachelor is British.  I learned last night that what the Brits call "brilliant," we call "awesome." What they call "football," we call "rugby."  And what they call "a very attractive and mature girl," we call "a hideously made-up phony who I wouldn't want to share a continent with, let alone a night out."

Last night, the lovely Holly got to go on the first one-on-one date with Matt the Britchelor, and you're not gonna believe this, but the other girls got jealous.  Holly, meanwhile, told Matt about her career as a children's book author.  At this point, she held some redeeming quality in my eyes.  Then, later that week, she revealed to another girl that she had brought along her own spray tanning machine.  Unreal.  Which leads me to wonder, what are the titles of these books she's writing?  I came up with the following:

-- Why Are You Orange, Mommy?

-- Basal Cell Carcinoma...It's Not So Bad

-- Ol' Grandma Wrinkley's Favorite Nursery Rhymes

But by far the best moments of the night came from Shayne, the 22-year-old actress who claims to be really mature and who took advantage of Holly's spray tanner.  I think she might have a speech disorder because anything that comes out of her mouth is in this infuriating little-girl sing-song voice.  I kid you not, if I were the Britchelor, as soon as she pulled that crap I would have thrown her in the loo or the watercloset or whatever it is until the producers took her away.

Unbelievably, the bachelor finds Shayne worthy of his attention.  Last night, they went on a one-on-one wine tasting date.  Matt asked Shayne why she was so hesitant to talk about her parents.  Shayne reluctantly revealed that her dad is none other than the Renegade, Lorenzo Lamas.

So if you're scoring at home, here's an abridged list of Shayne's "deal-breakers:"

1. Questionable ability to talk not like Barbie

2. Questionable ability to have skin tone not like Barbie

3. Questionable ability to hold more intelligent conversation than Barbie

4a. Knows who Lorenzo Lamas is

4b. Immediate relative of Lorenzo Lamas

To me, that's more than enough to send Shayne packing. Will she survive? Tune in next week, to what I'm still convinced is ABC's first prime-time nature special.

Endangered Species?: