Monday, November 23, 2009

Interview Trail by the Numbers

I've been out on the road for awhile, but I'm back for Thanksgiving (more on that soon!) Here's the breakdown for the past two weeks:

14 days
14 flights
10 cities

6 programs
4 hotels
2 kind hosts
4 time zones
1 demonic red-eyed horse statue
3 supercilious sycophants encountered
1 medical emergency flight detour
6/6 programs asking about barbecue
0 days I wasn't grateful for iPhone and red sweatshirt
0 missed flights
0 times getting lost
3 pulled pork sandwiches (in 4 days)

6 caps nearly busted in my rear
0 vomiting episodes
1 attempted joke in interview met with stony silence
1 nice guy in the Lou who didn't want to mug me but instead gave me my headphones and told me my backpack was open
1 shuttle driver who looked, drove, and acted exactly like Meredith from "The Office" ("I'm a bad girl")
1 maple-glazed cedar planked salmon smoked on a snowy night

Friday, November 6, 2009

Stay Classy, New Mexico

I can't believe the BYU players kept their heads. I know I couldn't have.

As many of you know, I'm a fiery guy on the field/court as well, and I understand that the BYU players may have provoked her. But her response was beyond dirty play -- it was dangerous. She has been "suspended indefinitely" by her coach. We'll see what that means.

Was it worth it, Liz?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

A Chicken in Every Pot and a Deodorant Under Every Arm

Are you like me? Do you think that in 21st century America it's reasonable for all undergraduates to wear deodorant? You do? Good, I knew you were like me.

Tragically, not everyone is like us.

I boarded the shuttle on campus today, headed home after another hard day's work at the library, set to take my board exam tomorrow. Nothing like a relaxing drive through La Jolla to calm the nerves, I thought. Unfortunately, approximately 3700 other people also thought a shuttle ride sounded good, and I soon found myself standing wall-to-wall among them.

At this point, I would like to publicly say that whoever invented the handrails for use by standing passengers is a real piece of crap. I'm sure he thought he was doing us all a favor, but in reality he screwed up big time. I say "he" because I'm sure it was a man who invented these blasted things -- no woman would possibly have invented something with such smelly consequences. It would be much better if we all just stood, arms at our sides, and played one big game of "jello" around every turn.

So there I am, about to asphyxiate at any moment under the horrific stench. I see a girl sitting nearby, with a look on her face like she just stepped in feces. Poor soul, she probably won't make it out alive. Do I do the gallant thing, and cover up her nose with my own shirt before she passes out? Do I kick open the emergency hatch and lead us all to freedom? And what in the heck IS THAT SMELL.

Well, I decided to just endure. I hope it's okay for ophthalmologists to be hard of smelling, because I think I sustained permanent damage. And if I didn't, I'll self-inflict it before I board the shuttle the next time.


Here's a photo of something my "baby" made last week.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

New Baby Keeping Me Up

It's 4:37 am, and I'm awake. How did I get into this situation?

Well, it started when the new delivery arrived at a friend's house a few days ago (we chose to have it there). Since then, it's been a whirlwind of friends coming over to see the new addition and family begging for pictures. Mommy has been bonding somewhat but seems a bit standoffish at times. Madeline is indifferent and more concerned about her own "Dee Dee" (baby).

But Daddy has had a special relationship with this little guy since the moment he laid eyes on him.

Here are a few quick facts about our Bundle of Joy (name pending):

Height: 44" (99th percentile)
Weight: 37 pounds, 0 ounces (99th percentile -- some question of gestational diabetes)
Color: Black
Favorite foods: 7 pound pork shoulders, entire bags of Kingsford, and chunks of apple wood (as a special treat)
Favorite activities: Smoking
Unusual features: Has three legs, head lifts off body

So here I am, caring for him in the wee hours of the morning as only Daddy can. I've been up all night, and I couldn't be happier.

Pictures soon to follow!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Back from the Grave

My name is Matt Weed. I used to blog in these parts, until I became lost to follow-up.

But now I'm back.

These last few months have been very good to me. Looking back on them, obvious highlights include finally figuring out what type of doctor I want to be, taking up barbecuing, finishing the third year of medical school, watching the epic Bachelor finale in which Jason proposed to Melissa, then canned her and went back to The Lovely Molly. Also, I haven't had to perform any rectal exams lately, which is good because it reduces my exposure to dangerous gases.

Anyway, I'm back, and to quote Frank Costanza, "I feel reborn. Like a phoenix, rising from Arizona." I've got a grundle of posts to do in the near future, and I'll be covering everything from my newfound passion for barbecue, the exploits of the now-18 month old Madeline, career plans, and the state of the (Red Sox) nation. Heck I may even work in a Bachelorette post for next week, which I'm aware of only because. . . uh. . . my wife watches. . . . yeah, that's it.

Anyway, I'll kick you all to the curb with a recent photo of my little princess.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Monday, January 12, 2009

Why You Don't Want to Go to Medical School

I'm currently working at the VA on the general surgery service. Our team sees a lot of patients with colorectal issues. Today in the clinic, I saw a patient with prolapsed rectal hemorrhoids. As part of the physical exam, the attending physician and I took a look at the rectal area.

Some of you might cite that tidbit right there as reason enough not to go to medical school. Tragically, as you may have guessed, there's more to the story.


The attending spread the gluteal muscles to expose the anus. Not seeing any prolapsed tissue, he asked the patient to bear down, so as to potentially prolapse the tissue and expose it for inspection. Well, the patient bore down, and with my attending's face literally a foot from his anus, he "broke wind."

Apparently that wasn't enough for my attending, however; he asked for another bear-down. Meanwhile, I was too stunned to be able to make my escape or duck and cover or stop, drop, and roll. So the patient jettisoned some more gaseous cargo. Fox-2, Fire-3!

My attending never so much as batted an eyelash. And I know what you're thinking -- but he's not deaf. Or hard of smelling.

And that is why you don't want to go to medical school.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

It's Baaaaaaaaaaacck

They said it couldn't happen. They warned me never to do it again. But in the end, they knew it was useless to resist.

I might be busy on my new rotation at school, but I'm certainly not too busy to present

The Top Ten Highlights from the Season Premiere of "The Bachelor"

This season's bachelor is Fr
eddie Prinze III, from the looks of things. Actually, he's a single dad named Jason who, as one of the final two contestants on "The Bachelorette," proposed to the wicked Deana before she ripped out his heart, stomped on it, and threw it in the trash on national TV. He's back this season, and this time he's got his choice of the ladies, so look alive, people!

10. Sharon getting out of the limo to meet Jason for the first time, and instead of engaging him in an introductory conversation like a normal person, immediately grabbing his hands and telling him to salsa dance with her. If I'm Jason, I tell Sharon to just get right back in the limo.

9. Renee, this season's token cougar, claiming she wants to dispel the myth that all L.A. women are flaky -- and then telling us about the visions she has and how the "stars" are in alignment for her and Jason to be together. Cougar, is that all you got?!!?!

8. Realizing that Jason's son, Ty, is doomed to an adolescence of appearing on reality TV shows. I personally can't wait for 2021, for "The Bachelor 83," when we'll see Ty wearing a trenchcoat, listening to Korn a lot, and flunking out of school while Dad wonders whether he should go blonde or brunette this time.

7. Shannon disclosing to Jason that she stalks him on myspace, right down to knowing the name of his brother's girlfriend. Knowing Jason's underwear size, his shower routine, and what he looks like when he takes out the garbage should really give her a leg up on the competition. Nice going, Shannon!

6. Treasure from Salt Lake City greeting Jason with the explanation, "It's my real name, not my stage name." Exactly what an apparently wholesome guy with a 3-year-old is looking for in a mate, Treasure! A girl who has to explain she's not a stripper!

5. Naomi looks like Eva Mendes. Raquel looks like Sela Ward. Stephanie looks like this guy.

4. Megan proclaiming to be an expert on parenting...because she has a 14-month-old. Listen honey I have a 12-month-old, and I still have no idea what I'm doing.

3. Megan's effusive talk about how the other girls don't know jack about parenting earning her the majority vote from the group for "Girl You'd Most Like to See Go Home." Megan was then told she'd be leaving the house that night...but with a rose. Now she's got a chip on her shoulder the size of a 14-month-old.

2. Dancin' Fool Sharon deciding to vote out Raquel (another salsa dancer), "because she stole my gig. I was going to be the salsa dancer." That slayed me.

1. Seeing that later this season, none other than Evil Deana will be returning to the Bachelor Mansion, apparently deeply regretting what she did to Jason's heart, and throwing her hat in the ring. Will Cougar claw Deana's eyes out? Will Ty go up to her and say "my daddy says you're a tramp"? Will Sharon dance her into submission? Only time will tell.