Monday, January 12, 2009

Why You Don't Want to Go to Medical School

I'm currently working at the VA on the general surgery service. Our team sees a lot of patients with colorectal issues. Today in the clinic, I saw a patient with prolapsed rectal hemorrhoids. As part of the physical exam, the attending physician and I took a look at the rectal area.

Some of you might cite that tidbit right there as reason enough not to go to medical school. Tragically, as you may have guessed, there's more to the story.

WARNING: DO NOT READ FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH IF YOU HAVE RECENTLY EATEN, ARE CURRENTLY EATING, OR ARE CONSIDERING EATING AGAIN.

The attending spread the gluteal muscles to expose the anus. Not seeing any prolapsed tissue, he asked the patient to bear down, so as to potentially prolapse the tissue and expose it for inspection. Well, the patient bore down, and with my attending's face literally a foot from his anus, he "broke wind."

Apparently that wasn't enough for my attending, however; he asked for another bear-down. Meanwhile, I was too stunned to be able to make my escape or duck and cover or stop, drop, and roll. So the patient jettisoned some more gaseous cargo. Fox-2, Fire-3!

My attending never so much as batted an eyelash. And I know what you're thinking -- but he's not deaf. Or hard of smelling.

And that is why you don't want to go to medical school.

7 comments:

Jessica said...

why oh why did I continue reading?

samantha said...

Y-U-C-K

PeteHawkins said...

What a fanciful tale of whimsy and delight. I was hoping Bauer would step in at some point and force the man to drop his weapon, alas CTU couldn't save you this time.

Ryan said...

And people think that mouths are dirty to work in and around!!!

brock said...

But, if I went to medical school, I could use phrases like "colorectal issues"

Annette said...

You will need to practice so that you can remain composed in the face of anything as this attending did. I am picturing you bursting out laughing, rolling on the floor, making jokes etc....

Taylor said...

Funny stuff :)