Monday, January 24, 2011

Deleted Scenes from Week 4

--Michelle's Date--

(BRAD has just finished talking with ASHLEY H, prior to taking MICHELLE on the romantic one-on-one.)

BRAD: Michelle, I know today is all about you, and I thank you for allowing me to talk with Ashley H. There was just something I had to get off my chest. And now if you don't mind, I need to talk with Stacey about what an idiot she was to admit, during what was apparently our only conversation thus far, that she has cheated in relationships before. Hope you don't mind.

MICHELLE: Rrrrrrrrrrrr

(Exit Brad and Stacey. Fifteen minutes pass before they return.)

BRAD: Thanks Michelle, you're a trouper. Now there's just one more person I really need to talk with, if that's okay.

(Signals off camera to seemingly random stagehand. Exit Brad and stagehand.)

--Later, with Michelle, back at Brad's place--

BRAD: Michelle, I have planned the most romantic, amazing date for you tonight. No doubt about it.

MICHELLE: Tell me what it is before I paint another black eye on myself!

BRAD: Have you ever heard of something called "Netflix?"

--Later still, with Michelle in the chopper--

MICHELLE (swooning): Ohhhh Brad, where are you taking me???

BRAD: Back to the house. Could you get Chantal for me?

--During dinner with Michelle--

BRAD: No doubt about it Michelle, I'm keeping you here because you're physically attractive, and also because the Bulls are my favorite team and I'm trying to keep you away from Boozer. Oh wait, was that out loud?

MICHELLE: We are in a fight. It's our second fight.

BRAD (in best cyborg monotone): to...Lovebot 3000...He

MICHELLE: I'm mad at you because you can't remember my daughter's name.

BRAD: What? Rielle?

MICHELLE: Rielle! That was it! (Hurriedly writes name down on post-it, slips into her purse with note to call later)

--Fast Forward to the Final Rose Ceremony--

(We see a bride, dressed in white, walking down the stone pathway on a beautiful summer's day. Birds chirping. A nervous yet excited BRAD looks on, dapper as always in a $3000 suit. Will the bride be the lovely Emily, the racecar widow with a heart of gold? Will it be the fierce yet vulnerable Chantal, always flirting with emotional instability? Or perhaps the darkhorse, Shawntel, having furiously scrubbed those stubborn formaldehyde fumes away?)

BRAD: I'm so glad you're here on this magical day. It was obvious from the very start that you and I had the biggest connection of anybody. The times when we were together were my happiest during these past months. I can't go on without you. I do find your dress a bit odd, however....

JAMIE: Brad, you've come a long way since those first few therapy sessions. Of course I accept!


There is a clear Top Four this season: Emily, Chantal O, Shawntel, and Ashley the nanny. I'm a huge Chantal O fan, especially since she likes to push Michelle's buttons. I'm also a Shawntel the mortician fan. I like that she's not freaking out all the time that -- shocker -- Brad is dating other girls, too.

NEXT WEEK on a very special Bachelor: Brad flies Emily on a small aircraft to the NASCAR Experience. To heighten the drama and deepen their connection, Brad pretends the airplane is experiencing turbulence, and sends it into a nosedive before pulling up safe at the last second, laughing uproariously. Afterward, he takes Emily on a romantic "Pit of Despair" one-on-one: dinner in a pitch-black cave filled with venomous snakes, piranhas, deranged clowns, and vermin. Will she accept his rose? Or stab him in the eye with a pitchfork? And will Brad's wiring short-circuit in the cave's high humidity? Tune in next week to find out!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Five Sure-Fire Ways to Improve "The Bachelor"

Ali chose "Roburdo." Shocker! Looking forward to seeing the March issue of Us Weekly detailing the breakup. That finale was so vanilla that I really don't have anything else to say about it.

Let's face it: Nobody watches this show because of the romance (since it never works). We watch for the drama and the unintentional comedy (often off the charts). With that in mind, I've got a few ideas on how to spice up the franchise, because right now it's staler than medieval bread.

1. For the love of pete, can we please have a spelling bee at some point? You're telling me that watching some of these bimbos try to spell "cravat" or "rapport" or "rabbit" would be just luscious. How about a geography bee? The Miss Teen South Carolina clip still delivers after 44 million views. We could have that every season!

2. Alert reader Corbin Clawson has suggested the ladies be forced to clean sewers. At the very least, we need to get the potentials into some more stressful situations, to see how they perform. No, the cliche tandem tightrope walk/bungee jump doesn't cut it. Seeing Ali beaching it up in Bora Bora or spelunking in Iceland and exclaiming, "This is what life would be like with So-and-so!" was nauseating. Real life has real adversity, dang it! Let's invite the crew from Punk'd to pull some crap with a few random suitors next season, just to sweat 'em. Have the tanning bed "accidentally" turn them blue instead of orange. Have their employers call and tell them they're fired, Trump style. Have them robbed at gunpoint on a date. Do something. Anything. Press the flesh a little.

3. The Batch should have access to more data about the suitors -- stuff that would come out eventually if the relationship timeframe was more realistic. Or maybe it wouldn't, but at least it would be funny. Medical records (including STDs), performance evaluations from past employers, report cards, criminal records, etc.

4. Weekly truth serum administrations. Potentially hilarious when combined with Idea #3. Dimmed lights, a comfy chair, and Chris Harrison brings in a little pentobarbital. Soon, we're hearing things like "Yeah, I know Monica's had the clap 6 times, 3 DUIs, has never had a job for more than 48 hours, and spelled her own name wrong, but the thing about Monica is. . . she's just really hot and I'm just in this for a good time. In fact, I actually have a girlfriend at home." Not realistic, you say? Well the show as presently constituted doesn't exactly reek of authenticity, pal!

5. Tie-ins with other reality shows. The suitors could compete weekly for Immunity, a golden rose which would prevent them from being voted out. How funny would it be to see a psycho like Shannon stick around for a few weeks because no one could best her in the immunity challenges? Also, we could have The Mole, whose job it is to sneak laxatives into the Batch's drink, hide fish in shampoo bottles, etc. But my favorite tie-in is The Duel, from Real World/Road Rules Challenge. You think Jana isn't here for the right reasons? Step into the inferno with her, and whoever emerges gets to stay. Just so he has some say, the Batch could be on the sidelines, passing foreign objects to his preferred suitor -- pepper spray, folding chairs, books with more words than pictures -- anything goes. This needs to happen.

Other ideas are welcome. Maybe some poor ABC exec will hear them one day. We live in a world where Vienna was someone's final choice -- anything can happen.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Bachelorette Finale Sneak Peek

Before we move on to this season, can I just point out that the whole Vienna/Jake situation could have been avoided if the producers would have implemented my toilet-cleaning contest idea? Vienna would have quit the show and spared us all.

Jake and Sausage were apparently trying to outdo each other in terms of despicability during their interview last week. Watching that garbage, aside from making me nauseous, also made me laugh, especially the part about Jake flying Vienna's cat with the two IVs across the country. Was there a life support team standing by in jumpsuits? Were the cat's relatives notified? Were the tiny instruments on hand, just in case it needed surgery?

But enough of that! Maybe this season will finally be the one that yields a permanent relationship from the final two (0/14 so far)!

Ali has a schoolgirl crush on Roberto, and he stamped his ticket to the Fantasy Suite way back in Week 1. I guarantee she picks Roberto. I also guarantee it's over before the year's out. It's not him, it's her.

Frank has also had a Fantasy Suite ticket for a while now, but he keeps ripping it up and glueing it back together. He constantly projects his feelings onto the other guys, e.g. "I think we're all a little upset right now that we're not with Ali," "We are all worried about the Rose Ceremony," etc. Take off the hair and add 40 pounds and he's George Costanza. Can't hold a regular job, lives with his parents, overly analytical, constantly screwing things up. Ali's not picking him.

Chris is going to get his heart broken. Out of everyone during this season, he most obviously really likes Ali. But she's not the Cape Cod type. I just don't see her sitting quietly, watching the ocean with a blanket and a book on an Adirondack chair. Chris is likely the producers' top choice for next Bachelor, though he probably shouldn't accept. I think he should get Tenley's phone number--they'd be a smart match.

Ali is a nice person but she's not ready for a serious relationship. When Chris's Dad asked her about her personal goals, the only thing she mentioned was her career. She's been very noncommittal about why she's actually on the show, and seems like she doesn't really know herself or what she wants right now. She kindly avoided making Tattoo feel like crap when she easily could have, and she somehow didn't slam Rated R with a Flying Turnbuckle Leap, but she's about as ready for marriage as Vienna is to join a convent.

Here's how I see the final Rose Ceremony playing out:

HOST: Ali, it's been the most amazing season in Bachelorette history. There have been ups and downs, and you've come so far. Are you ready to fake propose to someone?

ALI: It's been hard, but I feel g...wait, what?!

(enter CASEY, looking dissheveled in dirty raincoat)

CASEY: I got another tattoo since you dumped me, Ali. Can I share it with you? Guard and protect this, you tramp!

(He moons Ali, revealing giant "YOU SUCK," and runs away, sobbing)

ROBERTO (smiling): Do you want to go look at my baseball card some more? I'll put on the Lion King pelt...

FRANK: I think we're all feeling a little jealous that Casey got to show Ali his butt before we did.

HOST: Order! Come to order! Ali, this moment is about you and your choice. What have you decided?

(Suddenly, the lights go out. Darkness prevails. FRANK screams. A familiar tune begins to boom through the set.)

HOST: Oh no! That's RATED R's music!

(Lights. Enter a smug-looking RATED R, clad in speedo, knee pads, and black wrestling boots. Without a word, he knocks out FRANK, CHRIS, and ROBERTO in succession.)

ALI: Justin, I can't escape the feeling that you might not be here for the right reasons. I don't want to believe it!

RATED R: Wait, this is a dating show? Man I'm dumb! (Exits)

HOST: Ali! I can't get a pulse on Roberto! I'm afraid he's gone!

ALI: (wails) Noooooo! I was all ready to make him my 6-week boyfriend! Now I'll never find "love"!

(Enter KIRK'S DAD, with freezer bags and toolbox)

KIRK'S DAD: Perhaps I can be of some assistance? Bringing things back to life is what I do!


Thursday, July 8, 2010

New Blog

Since I started posting about intern year, I've had several people say thanks and that they really enjoyed reading. I decided to start a new blog dedicated solely to thoughts on all these new experiences I'm having now.

Here's the link.

I'll try to post at least once or twice a week.

Thanks again for your thoughts, comments, and prayers. They mean a lot.

P.S. Yes, this means this space is now reserved for Bachelor stuff and the like. Although after that Jake and Vienna debacle the other night, I don't know if I can justify watching anymore.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Thoughts from the ICU

It's about 2 am, I've got a few minutes, and I figured I would post a few thoughts.

There was a game we played sometimes as kids in which a new player had to figure out the rules of the game as he went along, without knowing anything about them before the game started. It's torturous for the uninitiated, because they don't know what they're supposed to be doing, and when they try something, they're told they're not doing it right -- and they aren't, because, again, they don't know the rules.

Although everyone around me has been very nice and supportive, I often feel like I'm trapped in this game. Everyone else seems to know the rules, how things are supposed to be done, but I feel like I don't even know the objective of the game, much less how to achieve it. Learning the rules -- where to be, what to put in the note, how to order things, how to dictate, how to operate all these computer systems, how admissions work, etc. etc. etc. -- takes so much time that I feel like I can't work on the game's objective -- what's going on with this patient and how should I intervene. I'm used to being good at things, and I don't feel like I'm particularly good at this yet.

The ICU feels like the last place in the world you'd want to be if you're used to perfectionism. Unknowns abound, and either those around me aren't considering them, or they're more comfortable with not knowing. What's wrong with the patient in room 204? Who knows! Multiple concurrent disease processes to be considered, volumes of history to review, piles of medications to sort through. It's exhausting. I guess I anticipated that things would be a lot more lucid.

An elderly male patient of mine died last week. He came in Tuesday with trouble breathing, pneumonia, and leukemia. I talked to him for a little bit before he was sedated, paralyzed, and intubated. His family decided that their father wouldn't want to go on like this. The tube was pulled on Friday afternoon. He died five minutes later. I never talked to him after that first night. We never figured out what caused the pneumonia that ultimately killed him.

A man came in two nights ago after being in a car accident. He has a severe traumatic brain injury. He's in a coma. The prognosis is extremely grim; many are surprised he hasn't died yet. He almost did last night. He has a lot of family members here at the hospital, and I've found myself reluctant to introduce myself to them for fear of not knowing what to say. I know I wouldn't be able to answer any detailed neurosurgical questions. I don't know specifics about his prognosis. If I talk to them and can't answer their questions, it seems like I wouldn't be much help. So I read his chart, glance at his vital signs, and walk away, feeling like I've failed.

These two stories, and many others like them, leave me thinking frequently about what success is. Is it keeping people alive overnight? Nobody has died on my watch yet, but somehow I don't feel successful. Is it figuring out what is going on with each patient? I hope not, because it seems like the ICU in general, and especially at night, is more about keeping patients alive long enough for others to figure out what's wrong with them. But isn't that just passing the buck? If I'm caring for this person, don't I have an obligation to try my best to figure it out?

Maybe success is knowing the answers when the attendings, nurses, and family members ask me questions. I've never said/thought to myself "I don't know" this much in my life. Is success continuing to come in every day? That seems insufficient. For now, I guess it's continuing to give a crap, doing my best to think critically, paying attention to detail, and trying to learn.

Thank you for your comments, thoughts, and prayers. I'm committed to keep trying.