Thursday, April 10, 2008

The Office of Milk and Honey

Before we get to today's topics, I wanted to advertise two of the blog's new features: the links box and the comment feed, both found on the left.

For the past six months, I've had a preceptorship with a local primary care physician.  I come in about every two weeks on Wednesday afternoons and see patients.  I talk to them about what's been going on, do a physical exam, and then present the case to the physician -- pretty standard stuff.  I've seen all sorts of different ailments, everything from heart murmurs to toenail fungus to kidney failure to Alzheimer's disease.  It's been fun to meet new people, practice my physical exam skills, and learn from firsthand experience.

So here's the deal: I'm the only male that works there.  Period.  The physician is female.  The nurses are all female.  The receptionists and secretaries are female.  Futhermore, they all are obsessive calorie counters, cursing themselves for eating two Girl Scout cookies and the like.

This aversion to food is complicated by the fact that drug reps bring in enormous meals on a daily basis.  I'm not kidding.  It's a postgame team buffet in there.  It's like having an Alcoholics Anonymous meetinghouse right next to a saloon and two liquor stores -- you're just waiting for the inevitable fireball when the willpower fails.

But so far, these women have held strong, which means there is, continually, in the office, a quantity of food that could easily satisfy John Madden, 1990s Oprah, and this guy here on the right.  So what do I do?  I feast like it's my last meal before the firing squad.

Yesterday, for instance, we had a giant spread from La Salsa, and I took down a boatload of chips and salsa, a quesadilla, some salad, and a chicken burrito.  Two weeks ago we had California Pizza Kitchen for lunch followed by "mid-afternoon snack" two hours later of smoothies, doughnuts, and danishes.  Then, as I was leaving, they forced an entire chocolate cake and a box of oversize muffins on me.

Well, it's been six months and I'm not dead yet, although they have been calling me Hansel and asking if my father's a poor woodcutter.  Anyway, I've got one afternoon of work left, and my goal is to eat/bring home the following items:
1) 2 dozen doughnuts
2) Giant wheel of cheese
3) Three smoked hams
4) Entire Thanksgiving dinner complete with turkey, yams, and pie
5) Roasted pig on spit with apple in mouth

I'll let you know how it goes.


Carson said...

Not quite as funny as the DRE post, but certainly a close second. Thanks for the laugh.

Leia said...

When I read this, I can hear you saying every word!