Thursday, April 24, 2008

The Penultimate Bachelor ReCrap

I thought this was a reality show, but this week featured some really incredible acting.  For those who somehow missed it, let's recap the "actors" and the roles they played:

Chelsea (bachelorette) -- "Somewhat interested"
Lorenzo Lamas -- "Concerned father"
Two random people -- "Amanda's parents"

The fabulous Shayne introduces Matt to Lorenzo Lamas, her father.  Now at this point I was really hoping for a Bobby Sixkiller cameo in which Sixkiller interrogated Matt at knifepoint, but no such luck.  Instead, a perfectly-coiffed Lamas seemingly throws his daughter under the bus, saying Shayne only came on the show because she "wants to be famous."

Luckily I saw right through this little charade.  Shayne immediately protests, saying she is only there for Matt and has no ulterior motive.  Hmm-mmm.  I think you could actually see her reading off the cue card.  Lamas then claims he "just wanted to see where her heart was," trying to convince the Britchelor that Shayne's impassioned defense means she truly does care for him.  Riveting stuff.

What really killed me about this was that anyone, anywhere would consult a guy who's been married four times about marriage.  Isn't that like asking Trump for tips on hair?  Or Miss South Carolina on geography?  Did I mention this guy used to traipse around in leather jerkins as a character named "Reno Raines?"

Anyway, they leave Lamas to do whatever it is he does these days, and head off to Shayne's mom's place.  Now, I tried to find a headshot of Shayne's mom, because trust me, you want to see it, but all I could find was this stunning likeness pictured at the left.  I've seen Barbie dolls that had more real parts than Shayne's mom, and cows that had a less-leathery hide.  But Matt seems to dig her because she made him Yorkshire pudding.

Now, I don't mean to offend anyone here, but it's a time-honored truth that if you want to know what your girlfriend will look like in 30 years, you look at her mom.  Women, I hate to break it to you, but every male knows this and considers it.  But apparently they don't teach Mother-Daughter Similitude in British school, because Matt seems unfazed by this harrowing look into his potential future.  Shayne gets a rose.

Chelsea also somehow survives again this week, despite showing less interest in Matt than Wesley Snipes does in paying taxes.  Meanwhile, the lovely and devoted Noelle gets the boot.  Is there no JUSTICE???!!!

For her hometown date, Amanda hires two actors to pretend to be her parents.  I thought maybe she was an orphan and this was an attempt to appear normal.  Anyway, "Dad" acts extremely suspicious of Matt and the two sit down on a backyard bench to hash it out.  But then "Mom" shows up with some wine and tells her husband to make tracks.

"Mom" sits down next to Matt and commences to hit him up with a full-court flirtation press, cougar style.  I wish I was joking, but no--she starts rubbing his chest, as Matt blurts out, "You're touching my nipple!!"  Suddenly, the faux father returns, wild-eyed, and demands to know what's going on.  Amanda comes clean and introduces her real parents.  Matt claims that he liked the prank, and gives Amanda a rose.

Finale next week.


1 comment:

Malerie said...

Hahaha...good one, Matt. The picture of Shayne's mom is "spot on" :)