Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse


What's the worst movie you've ever seen? It's a question I've been contemplating lately. Doing so has given me some bad PTSD, and I plan on suing the makers of the following four movies for the irreparable damage they've done to me and mine.

Here are my top 4, in reverse order, with a little Four Horsemen theme:

IV. Strife - "Wild Wild West" (1999)

When not even Will Smith and Salma Hayek can save you from the top 4, you know you've made something truly horrible. I remember being excited to see this movie, driving with my equally-unsuspecting friends to the movie theater in West Jordan, and then being subjected to two hours of absolute crap.

I'm a sucker for Will Smith movies (yes, even "I, Robot"), but there was one too many jokes in here about him winding up "in the saddle" with old-west floozies. And the plot, if you can call it that, was just ludicrous. I'll spare you the details and just say that it involves Kenneth Branagh constructing a giant mechanical spider which he uses to terrorize the western United States. Yes, someone actually thought that was a good idea for a movie.

I left thinking, "There's two hours and eight bucks I'm never getting back."

III. War - "Here on Earth" (2000)

Few people I know are familiar with this craptastic chick flick. Sadly, I am. I sent the girl I was dating at the time to Blockbuster with no specific instructions, and this was the consequence. Since then, anytime someone goes to rent a movie for the night, I give them the strictest of orders to avoid Leelee Sobieski like the plague.

Two friends crash a car into Leelee's parents' restaurant. They're ordered to fix the restaurant as punishment (note: if I had been the judge, everyone would have gone straight to the gallows -- the boys, Leelee, her parents, the customers, everyone). One of the boys comes from a wealthy family, and Leelee is the daughter of poor restauranteurs.  You're not going to believe this -- but they fall in love! Groundbreaking territory to be sure.

So there I am, trying to be a decent guy and watch the movie, miraculously stifling all of the thousands of snide remarks that were bubbling up inside of me. Then, at the dramatic end, Leelee's boyfriend returns after an extended absence and the two play "Marco Polo" inside their new home. He actually wanders around looking for her saying "Marco. . . Marco. . . " I couldn't take it anymore, and blurted out something about the movie sucking worse than 10 vacuums. It's like the production team played Marco Polo with their brains. . . and lost.

II. Famine - "A Walk to Remember" (2002)

I feel like going on a hunger strike when I think about this movie and the circumstances under which I watched it. 

Some girls convince me and my friends to watch it one Friday night, and since I'm interested in one of the girls, we go along with it. After two hours of Mandy Moore's maudlin performance and Shane West acting a fool, I'm nearly catatonic. But the girls go on and on about how sweet a movie it was and how romantic and what a good message blah blah blahhhh.

And because I'm interested in this girl, I do something I had never done before and haven't done since -- I totally sell out. I remark loudly about how I liked the movie. "What unbelievable chemistry they had," I say. "What a perfect ending. I'd watch that again," and other tall tales. Somehow my buddies refrain from calling me out right then and there, which is what they should have done.

I. Death - "Bicentennial Man" (1999)

I was a senior in high school looking for a good date movie. Apparently, the summer of '99 wasn't exactly a vintage year for movies, because we ended up going to see this thing.

Here's a quick tip for you young daters out there: On your date, when you wake up your date, explain to her that the movie is probably only another 15 minutes, and ask if she wants to stay, things probably aren't going so well. And when you then decide to stay and then the movie goes on for another hour, you can just throw that pack of gum in the garbage, because you won't be needing it for quite som
e time.

Robin Williams stars as Andrew, a robot who wants to be a real boy. If only a giant whale would have swallowed them all up. . . but I digress. Andrew's best friend, "Little Miss," is the little girl in the family he lives with.  Through the miracles of modern technology, Andrew becomes human. We follow his life as Little Miss grows up, has children, and then has grandchildren, one of whom Andrew falls in love with. All of this is happening so slowly that for a minute I wonder if they're filming in real time a la "24."  Needless to say, it wasn't a great night, and it was the last date we ever went on -- the death of our relationship.  That had to happen, but this movie did not.

Agree/disagree? Feel free to share your picks and/or traumatic experiences.

2 comments:

Eliza said...

As soon as I saw what this post about, I knew Bicentennial Man would be making an appearance! Good to know about Leelee just in case I ever need to get rid of a guy asap.

I would add White Christmas and Babe: Pig in the City.

samantha said...

Yes, definitely Babe. That was a truly horrific show.