The Bachelor: Season in Review

The people have spoken, and they want more Bachelor. I've been meaning to blog about this perfect storm of unintentional comedy ever since the hilarious hijinx from last January. Jason sent the lovely Molly packing and picked Melissa, only to show up on the "After the Final Rose" special--aired immediately after his proposal to Melissa--looking like someone just sent him a turd sandwich. His subsequent confession that the Molly tattoo (likely applied during the sensuous massage she gave him in the finale) had not exactly washed off, followed by his dumping Melissa on-air and professing his undying Molly-love, was great TV.

But that's all in the past. Without further ado....

A Few Highlights from the Season So Far:

-Jake letting Vienna "Sausage" Girardi (not pictured, blog standards) through the first cut, yet eliminating the likes of Emily from Ohio. After seeing and meeting Vienna, clearly the decision of most sane men would have been whether to tell her to go back to the limo immediately or to do it classy, letting her stay for 48 hrs if she agreed to wear a bag over her head and not speak.



-Rozlyn the Scandalous getting eliminated for hooking up with a crew member. She's like the Amelia Earhart of reality TV, just pushing us forward into uncharted territory. The best part of this story is the camera guy's decision making process. "Let's see, there are cameras everywhere. . . . I will without a doubt lose this job and many potential future ones. . . . This girl cannot possibly be clean. . . . But man, is she hot!" Thanks for giving the rest of us a good name, buddy.

Ali's growing discontent over Vienna's shocking, continued rose-finagling. Honestly I think Ali left the show not over work concerns but because she thought if she had to be in the same room as Vienna for one more day, she would drown herself in her spray-tanner.



-Jake's decision to use "absolutely gorgeous" as his go-to adjective. Every Bachelor picks one; Jason's was "amazing." Maybe a limited vocabulary is what has kept these guys single all this time?

-Channy's foul pick-up line during the opener seeming so ridiculous for what we thought was a classy, virtuous guy in Jake, followed by Jake himself dismantling this notion week after week by handing out roses to Vienna the Orange, former Hooter's waitress.

And now, some Scenes I Wish We Could Have Seen:

-During the romantic 1-on-1 date in St. Lucia, Gia and Jake are on a private beach at sunset, whispering sweet nothings in each other's ear. Jake inwardly wonders why Gia's lips look like Jack Nicholson's Joker. Suddenly, a ripple in the water. A larger ripple. A veritable tidal wave. A deranged Vienna emerges from the sea, looking even more like Swamp Thing than usual. "JAKE. WHY ARE YOU SPENDING TIME WITH THESE OTHER WOMEN!!"

-Jake explaining to Ali that yes, she could come back, but technically there was only one Fantasy Suite experience left, so she would have to share with Vienna

-A toilet cleaning contest held among the girls. I've been arguing for this one for years. Ostensibly, Jake is looking for a wife. I've got news for you pal, most women are going to seem like pretty good choices when you're flying them all over the country going on $10,000 dates. You want to separate the wheat from the tares? Send them all into the jon after Gus the overweight mic operator drops a load in there. You think Tenley doesn't clean that toilet, even if she hates it? And Vienna's more likely to be responsible for the toilet's current condition than to do anything to fix it.

-Along with the toilet contest, I would also make the girls take some sort of basic academic test. Everything else about this show is unrealistic, so why not this? I've even written a couple of questions for Vienna's test:

1. If I have five (5) apples, how many apples do I have?
2. What is the capital of Austria?
3. Count the number of times you've wrapped Daddy's car around a telephone pole without using your fingers
4. YOU:JAKE as...
a. OIL:WATER
b. BRITNEY SPEARS:MONASTERY
c. OPRAH:SITUP
d. HEIDI MONTAG:HEALTHY SELF IMAGE
e. YOU:ATTRACTIVE
5. Essay: In 50 words or less, list all the words you know

-A hard-hitting piece on the crew that was forced to film and edit Vienna and Jake's Fantasy Suite experience. We see a scene of a support group, all the men in a circle. Silence prevails. Finally, one man speaks. "They told us it would be okay. But then it started. . . . We couldn't help it, vomit everywhere. . . . I have lost all hope for mankind." Other members of the circle nod, numbly. One just sobs as he looks at the floor.

-Michelle was this season's token crazy person. She was so desperate for a rose that, even after she left, I hadn't ruled out the following scene taking place during a later episode's rose ceremony:

Chris Harrison: As you know, those of you who do not receive a rose will be asked to leave. Jake, are you ready?

Jake: I am. It's been a tough decision this week, and all you girls look absolutely gor--

(Michelle enters, wearing black ski mask, with finger pointed like gun beneath her satin gown)

Michelle: Everybody DOWN ON THE GROUND!!!

Interview Trail by the Numbers

I've been out on the road for awhile, but I'm back for Thanksgiving (more on that soon!) Here's the breakdown for the past two weeks:

14 days
14 flights
10 cities

6 programs
4 hotels
2 kind hosts
4 time zones
1 demonic red-eyed horse statue
3 supercilious sycophants encountered
1 medical emergency flight detour
6/6 programs asking about barbecue
0 days I wasn't grateful for iPhone and red sweatshirt
0 missed flights
0 times getting lost
3 pulled pork sandwiches (in 4 days)

6 caps nearly busted in my rear
0 vomiting episodes
1 attempted joke in interview met with stony silence
1 nice guy in the Lou who didn't want to mug me but instead gave me my headphones and told me my backpack was open
1 shuttle driver who looked, drove, and acted exactly like Meredith from "The Office" ("I'm a bad girl")
1 maple-glazed cedar planked salmon smoked on a snowy night

Stay Classy, New Mexico

I can't believe the BYU players kept their heads. I know I couldn't have.

As many of you know, I'm a fiery guy on the field/court as well, and I understand that the BYU players may have provoked her. But her response was beyond dirty play -- it was dangerous. She has been "suspended indefinitely" by her coach. We'll see what that means.

Was it worth it, Liz?

A Chicken in Every Pot and a Deodorant Under Every Arm

Are you like me? Do you think that in 21st century America it's reasonable for all undergraduates to wear deodorant? You do? Good, I knew you were like me.

Tragically, not everyone is like us.

I boarded the shuttle on campus today, headed home after another hard day's work at the library, set to take my board exam tomorrow. Nothing like a relaxing drive through La Jolla to calm the nerves, I thought. Unfortunately, approximately 3700 other people also thought a shuttle ride sounded good, and I soon found myself standing wall-to-wall among them.

At this point, I would like to publicly say that whoever invented the handrails for use by standing passengers is a real piece of crap. I'm sure he thought he was doing us all a favor, but in reality he screwed up big time. I say "he" because I'm sure it was a man who invented these blasted things -- no woman would possibly have invented something with such smelly consequences. It would be much better if we all just stood, arms at our sides, and played one big game of "jello" around every turn.

So there I am, about to asphyxiate at any moment under the horrific stench. I see a girl sitting nearby, with a look on her face like she just stepped in feces. Poor soul, she probably won't make it out alive. Do I do the gallant thing, and cover up her nose with my own shirt before she passes out? Do I kick open the emergency hatch and lead us all to freedom? And what in the heck IS THAT SMELL.

Well, I decided to just endure. I hope it's okay for ophthalmologists to be hard of smelling, because I think I sustained permanent damage. And if I didn't, I'll self-inflict it before I board the shuttle the next time.

P.S.

Here's a photo of something my "baby" made last week.

New Baby Keeping Me Up

It's 4:37 am, and I'm awake. How did I get into this situation?

Well, it started when the new delivery arrived at a friend's house a few days ago (we chose to have it there). Since then, it's been a whirlwind of friends coming over to see the new addition and family begging for pictures. Mommy has been bonding somewhat but seems a bit standoffish at times. Madeline is indifferent and more concerned about her own "Dee Dee" (baby).

But Daddy has had a special relationship with this little guy since the moment he laid eyes on him.

Here are a few quick facts about our Bundle of Joy (name pending):

Height: 44" (99th percentile)

Weight: 37 pounds, 0 ounces (99th percentile -- some question of gestational diabetes)

Color: Black

Favorite foods: 7 pound pork shoulders, entire bags of Kingsford, and chunks of apple wood (as a special treat)

Favorite activities: Smoking

Unusual features: Has three legs, head lifts off body

So here I am, caring for him in the wee hours of the morning as only Daddy can. I've been up all night, and I couldn't be happier.

Pictures soon to follow!