(BRAD has just finished talking with ASHLEY H, prior to taking MICHELLE on the romantic one-on-one.)
BRAD: Michelle, I know today is all about you, and I thank you for allowing me to talk with Ashley H. There was just something I had to get off my chest. And now if you don't mind, I need to talk with Stacey about what an idiot she was to admit, during what was apparently our only conversation thus far, that she has cheated in relationships before. Hope you don't mind.
(Exit Brad and Stacey. Fifteen minutes pass before they return.)
BRAD: Thanks Michelle, you're a trouper. Now there's just one more person I really need to talk with, if that's okay.
(Signals off camera to seemingly random stagehand. Exit Brad and stagehand.)
--Later, with Michelle, back at Brad's place--
BRAD: Michelle, I have planned the most romantic, amazing date for you tonight. No doubt about it.
MICHELLE: Tell me what it is before I paint another black eye on myself!
BRAD: Have you ever heard of something called "Netflix?"
--Later still, with Michelle in the chopper--
MICHELLE (swooning): Ohhhh Brad, where are you taking me???
BRAD: Back to the house. Could you get Chantal for me?
--During dinner with Michelle--
BRAD: No doubt about it Michelle, I'm keeping you here because you're physically attractive, and also because the Bulls are my favorite team and I'm trying to keep you away from Boozer. Oh wait, was that out loud?
MICHELLE: We are in a fight. It's our second fight.
BRAD (in best cyborg monotone): Come....here....you...come to...Lovebot 3000...He will....console....you
MICHELLE: I'm mad at you because you can't remember my daughter's name.
BRAD: What? Rielle?
MICHELLE: Rielle! That was it! (Hurriedly writes name down on post-it, slips into her purse with note to call later)
--Fast Forward to the Final Rose Ceremony--
(We see a bride, dressed in white, walking down the stone pathway on a beautiful summer's day. Birds chirping. A nervous yet excited BRAD looks on, dapper as always in a $3000 suit. Will the bride be the lovely Emily, the racecar widow with a heart of gold? Will it be the fierce yet vulnerable Chantal, always flirting with emotional instability? Or perhaps the darkhorse, Shawntel, having furiously scrubbed those stubborn formaldehyde fumes away?)
BRAD: I'm so glad you're here on this magical day. It was obvious from the very start that you and I had the biggest connection of anybody. The times when we were together were my happiest during these past months. I can't go on without you. I do find your dress a bit odd, however....
JAMIE: Brad, you've come a long way since those first few therapy sessions. Of course I accept!
There is a clear Top Four this season: Emily, Chantal O, Shawntel, and Ashley the nanny. I'm a huge Chantal O fan, especially since she likes to push Michelle's buttons. I'm also a Shawntel the mortician fan. I like that she's not freaking out all the time that -- shocker -- Brad is dating other girls, too.
NEXT WEEK on a very special Bachelor: Brad flies Emily on a small aircraft to the NASCAR Experience. To heighten the drama and deepen their connection, Brad pretends the airplane is experiencing turbulence, and sends it into a nosedive before pulling up safe at the last second, laughing uproariously. Afterward, he takes Emily on a romantic "Pit of Despair" one-on-one: dinner in a pitch-black cave filled with venomous snakes, piranhas, deranged clowns, and vermin. Will she accept his rose? Or stab him in the eye with a pitchfork? And will Brad's wiring short-circuit in the cave's high humidity? Tune in next week to find out!
1 week ago