Bachelorette Finale Sneak Peek

Before we move on to this season, can I just point out that the whole Vienna/Jake situation could have been avoided if the producers would have implemented my toilet-cleaning contest idea? Vienna would have quit the show and spared us all.

Jake and Sausage were apparently trying to outdo each other in terms of despicability during their interview last week. Watching that garbage, aside from making me nauseous, also made me laugh, especially the part about Jake flying Vienna's cat with the two IVs across the country. Was there a life support team standing by in jumpsuits? Were the cat's relatives notified? Were the tiny instruments on hand, just in case it needed surgery?

But enough of that! Maybe this season will finally be the one that yields a permanent relationship from the final two (0/14 so far)!

Ali has a schoolgirl crush on Roberto, and he stamped his ticket to the Fantasy Suite way back in Week 1. I guarantee she picks Roberto. I also guarantee it's over before the year's out. It's not him, it's her.

Frank has also had a Fantasy Suite ticket for a while now, but he keeps ripping it up and glueing it back together. He constantly projects his feelings onto the other guys, e.g. "I think we're all a little upset right now that we're not with Ali," "We are all worried about the Rose Ceremony," etc. Take off the hair and add 40 pounds and he's George Costanza. Can't hold a regular job, lives with his parents, overly analytical, constantly screwing things up. Ali's not picking him.

Chris is going to get his heart broken. Out of everyone during this season, he most obviously really likes Ali. But she's not the Cape Cod type. I just don't see her sitting quietly, watching the ocean with a blanket and a book on an Adirondack chair. Chris is likely the producers' top choice for next Bachelor, though he probably shouldn't accept. I think he should get Tenley's phone number--they'd be a smart match.

Ali is a nice person but she's not ready for a serious relationship. When Chris's Dad asked her about her personal goals, the only thing she mentioned was her career. She's been very noncommittal about why she's actually on the show, and seems like she doesn't really know herself or what she wants right now. She kindly avoided making Tattoo feel like crap when she easily could have, and she somehow didn't slam Rated R with a Flying Turnbuckle Leap, but she's about as ready for marriage as Vienna is to join a convent.

Here's how I see the final Rose Ceremony playing out:

HOST: Ali, it's been the most amazing season in Bachelorette history. There have been ups and downs, and you've come so far. Are you ready to fake propose to someone?

ALI: It's been hard, but I feel g...wait, what?!

(enter CASEY, looking dissheveled in dirty raincoat)

CASEY: I got another tattoo since you dumped me, Ali. Can I share it with you? Guard and protect this, you tramp!

(He moons Ali, revealing giant "YOU SUCK," and runs away, sobbing)

ROBERTO (smiling): Do you want to go look at my baseball card some more? I'll put on the Lion King pelt...

FRANK: I think we're all feeling a little jealous that Casey got to show Ali his butt before we did.

HOST: Order! Come to order! Ali, this moment is about you and your choice. What have you decided?

(Suddenly, the lights go out. Darkness prevails. FRANK screams. A familiar tune begins to boom through the set.)

HOST: Oh no! That's RATED R's music!

(Lights. Enter a smug-looking RATED R, clad in speedo, knee pads, and black wrestling boots. Without a word, he knocks out FRANK, CHRIS, and ROBERTO in succession.)

ALI: Justin, I can't escape the feeling that you might not be here for the right reasons. I don't want to believe it!

RATED R: Wait, this is a dating show? Man I'm dumb! (Exits)

HOST: Ali! I can't get a pulse on Roberto! I'm afraid he's gone!

ALI: (wails) Noooooo! I was all ready to make him my 6-week boyfriend! Now I'll never find "love"!

(Enter KIRK'S DAD, with freezer bags and toolbox)

KIRK'S DAD: Perhaps I can be of some assistance? Bringing things back to life is what I do!

(Curtain)