Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Bachelor: Season in Review

The people have spoken, and they want more Bachelor. I've been meaning to blog about this perfect storm of unintentional comedy ever since the hilarious hijinx from last January. Jason sent the lovely Molly packing and picked Melissa, only to show up on the "After the Final Rose" special--aired immediately after his proposal to Melissa--looking like someone just sent him a turd sandwich. His subsequent confession that the Molly tattoo (likely applied during the sensuous massage she gave him in the finale) had not exactly washed off, followed by his dumping Melissa on-air and professing his undying Molly-love, was great TV.

But that's all in the past. Without further ado....

A Few Highlights from the Season So Far:

-Jake letting Vienna "Sausage" Girardi (not pictured, blog standards) through the first cut, yet eliminating the likes of Emily from Ohio. After seeing and meeting Vienna, clearly the decision of most sane men would have been whether to tell her to go back to the limo immediately or to do it classy, letting her stay for 48 hrs if she agreed to wear a bag over her head and not speak.



-Rozlyn the Scandalous getting eliminated for hooking up with a crew member. She's like the Amelia Earhart of reality TV, just pushing us forward into uncharted territory. The best part of this story is the camera guy's decision making process. "Let's see, there are cameras everywhere. . . . I will without a doubt lose this job and many potential future ones. . . . This girl cannot possibly be clean. . . . But man, is she hot!" Thanks for giving the rest of us a good name, buddy.

Ali's growing discontent over Vienna's shocking, continued rose-finagling. Honestly I think Ali left the show not over work concerns but because she thought if she had to be in the same room as Vienna for one more day, she would drown herself in her spray-tanner.



-Jake's decision to use "absolutely gorgeous" as his go-to adjective. Every Bachelor picks one; Jason's was "amazing." Maybe a limited vocabulary is what has kept these guys single all this time?

-Channy's foul pick-up line during the opener seeming so ridiculous for what we thought was a classy, virtuous guy in Jake, followed by Jake himself dismantling this notion week after week by handing out roses to Vienna the Orange, former Hooter's waitress.

And now, some Scenes I Wish We Could Have Seen:

-During the romantic 1-on-1 date in St. Lucia, Gia and Jake are on a private beach at sunset, whispering sweet nothings in each other's ear. Jake inwardly wonders why Gia's lips look like Jack Nicholson's Joker. Suddenly, a ripple in the water. A larger ripple. A veritable tidal wave. A deranged Vienna emerges from the sea, looking even more like Swamp Thing than usual. "JAKE. WHY ARE YOU SPENDING TIME WITH THESE OTHER WOMEN!!"

-Jake explaining to Ali that yes, she could come back, but technically there was only one Fantasy Suite experience left, so she would have to share with Vienna

-A toilet cleaning contest held among the girls. I've been arguing for this one for years. Ostensibly, Jake is looking for a wife. I've got news for you pal, most women are going to seem like pretty good choices when you're flying them all over the country going on $10,000 dates. You want to separate the wheat from the tares? Send them all into the jon after Gus the overweight mic operator drops a load in there. You think Tenley doesn't clean that toilet, even if she hates it? And Vienna's more likely to be responsible for the toilet's current condition than to do anything to fix it.

-Along with the toilet contest, I would also make the girls take some sort of basic academic test. Everything else about this show is unrealistic, so why not this? I've even written a couple of questions for Vienna's test:

1. If I have five (5) apples, how many apples do I have?
2. What is the capital of Austria?
3. Count the number of times you've wrapped Daddy's car around a telephone pole without using your fingers
4. YOU:JAKE as...
a. OIL:WATER
b. BRITNEY SPEARS:MONASTERY
c. OPRAH:SITUP
d. HEIDI MONTAG:HEALTHY SELF IMAGE
e. YOU:ATTRACTIVE
5. Essay: In 50 words or less, list all the words you know

-A hard-hitting piece on the crew that was forced to film and edit Vienna and Jake's Fantasy Suite experience. We see a scene of a support group, all the men in a circle. Silence prevails. Finally, one man speaks. "They told us it would be okay. But then it started. . . . We couldn't help it, vomit everywhere. . . . I have lost all hope for mankind." Other members of the circle nod, numbly. One just sobs as he looks at the floor.

-Michelle was this season's token crazy person. She was so desperate for a rose that, even after she left, I hadn't ruled out the following scene taking place during a later episode's rose ceremony:

Chris Harrison: As you know, those of you who do not receive a rose will be asked to leave. Jake, are you ready?

Jake: I am. It's been a tough decision this week, and all you girls look absolutely gor--

(Michelle enters, wearing black ski mask, with finger pointed like gun beneath her satin gown)

Michelle: Everybody DOWN ON THE GROUND!!!

6 comments:

Chad said...

Matt you are hilarious...we love it! Lauren thinks this next season should include only crazies from the past seasons. You want Drama?!?!

Designing Woman said...

(Malerie sent me this link...and let me say it did not dissapoint)

I laughed SO hard that there were literally tears streaming down my face. Thank you.

So glad you mentioned "absolutely gor...", if he said that one more time...urk!

One last thing, did you see Tenley's face during the rose ceremony. Pure shock and disgust. She could not comprehend that Vienna was the one she was "competing" against.

I STILL cannot believe that Vienna is in the final two?! How did it come to this? HOWWW!?!?! This is what happens when you make one wrong choice, it can lead you down a gross/wrong path.

kristine said...

Still laughing... Loved the test questions! My husband's comment to Vienna last night was "a tongue ring? What is this... 1995?" Jake's comment upon entering the fantasy sweet with each girl "wow, this is REALLY neat." Love it!!

samantha said...

I am so glad you are back to blogging!

Malerie said...

Vienna is going to win. I just know it. I have lost all respect for Jake. I just might have to quit watching, which would probably improve my IQ anyway. Please, Jake, snap out of it!!

What I'm most looking forward to in 2 weeks? Watching Jake's parents squirm when they meet Vienna.

Emily said...

This was so funny Matt. Hilarious. I laughed my head off. I can't believe I got sucked into watching this season and I also can't believe that Jake uses the same women's face lotion as me. Ick.

How is Vienna still in? How?!