Why You Don't Want to Go to Medical School

I'm currently working at the VA on the general surgery service. Our team sees a lot of patients with colorectal issues. Today in the clinic, I saw a patient with prolapsed rectal hemorrhoids. As part of the physical exam, the attending physician and I took a look at the rectal area.

Some of you might cite that tidbit right there as reason enough not to go to medical school. Tragically, as you may have guessed, there's more to the story.

WARNING: DO NOT READ FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH IF YOU HAVE RECENTLY EATEN, ARE CURRENTLY EATING, OR ARE CONSIDERING EATING AGAIN.

The attending spread the gluteal muscles to expose the anus. Not seeing any prolapsed tissue, he asked the patient to bear down, so as to potentially prolapse the tissue and expose it for inspection. Well, the patient bore down, and with my attending's face literally a foot from his anus, he "broke wind."

Apparently that wasn't enough for my attending, however; he asked for another bear-down. Meanwhile, I was too stunned to be able to make my escape or duck and cover or stop, drop, and roll. So the patient jettisoned some more gaseous cargo. Fox-2, Fire-3!

My attending never so much as batted an eyelash. And I know what you're thinking -- but he's not deaf. Or hard of smelling.

And that is why you don't want to go to medical school.

It's Baaaaaaaaaaacck

They said it couldn't happen. They warned me never to do it again. But in the end, they knew it was useless to resist.

I might be busy on my new rotation at school, but I'm certainly not too busy to present

The Top Ten Highlights from the Season Premiere of "The Bachelor"

This season's bachelor is Freddie Prinze III, from the looks of things. Actually, he's a single dad named Jason who, as one of the final two contestants on "The Bachelorette," proposed to the wicked Deana before she ripped out his heart, stomped on it, and threw it in the trash on national TV. He's back this season, and this time he's got his choice of the ladies, so look alive, people!

10. Sharon getting out of the limo to meet Jason for the first time, and instead of engaging him in an introductory conversation like a normal person, immediately grabbing his hands and telling him to salsa dance with her. If I'm Jason, I tell Sharon to just get right back in the limo.

9. Renee, this season's token cougar, claiming she wants to dispel the myth that all L.A. women are flaky -- and then telling us about the visions she has and how the "stars" are in alignment for her and Jason to be together. Cougar, is that all you got?!!?!

8. Realizing that Jason's son, Ty, is doomed to an adolescence of appearing on reality TV shows. I personally can't wait for 2021, for "The Bachelor 83," when we'll see Ty wearing a trenchcoat, listening to Korn a lot, and flunking out of school while Dad wonders whether he should go blonde or brunette this time.

7. Shannon disclosing to Jason that she stalks him on myspace, right down to knowing the name of his brother's girlfriend. Knowing Jason's underwear size, his shower routine, and what he looks like when he takes out the garbage should really give her a leg up on the competition. Nice going, Shannon!

6. Treasure from Salt Lake City greeting Jason with the explanation, "It's my real name, not my stage name." Exactly what an apparently wholesome guy with a 3-year-old is looking for in a mate, Treasure! A girl who has to explain she's not a stripper!

5. Naomi looks like Eva Mendes. Raquel looks like Sela Ward. Stephanie looks like this guy.

4. Megan proclaiming to be an expert on parenting...because she has a 14-month-old. Listen honey I have a 12-month-old, and I still have no idea what I'm doing.

3. Megan's effusive talk about how the other girls don't know jack about parenting earning her the majority vote from the group for "Girl You'd Most Like to See Go Home." Megan was then told she'd be leaving the house that night...but with a rose. Now she's got a chip on her shoulder the size of a 14-month-old.

2. Dancin' Fool Sharon deciding to vote out Raquel (another salsa dancer), "because she stole my gig. I was going to be the salsa dancer." That slayed me.

1. Seeing that later this season, none other than Evil Deana will be returning to the Bachelor Mansion, apparently deeply regretting what she did to Jason's heart, and throwing her hat in the ring. Will Cougar claw Deana's eyes out? Will Ty go up to her and say "my daddy says you're a tramp"? Will Sharon dance her into submission? Only time will tell.