Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Our Long National Nightmare is Over

Britain and America haven't warred since 1812, but that's going to change in the very near future. After last night's epic "Bachelor" finale in which one of the all-time dumbest and most annoying "U.S. Americans" successfully beguiled London's Matt Grant into proposing to her, I'm afraid the Queen Mum and the House of Lords and the PM and all the rest have no choice but to declare war on us. Don't say I didn't warn you.

It's not like we didn't see this proposal coming a mile away. Shayne was clearly Matt's favorite since very early in the show. We'll never know what it was that sold him on Shayne -- if it was her D-list celebrity father, her infuriating sing-song voice, or the orange greasy residue that hugging her always left on his clothes.

Leading up to the climactic proposal scene, we learn that Matt's nickname for her is "Monkey." Given her coloring, one can't help but wonder if Matt thinks she is an actual orangutan, but I digress. The point is, if the best nickname you can come up with for your fiancee is that of a smelly, sweaty, social-grooming feces thrower, something has gone horribly wrong.

During his proposal to Shayne, as Matt was recounting the various good times they'd had together, he said (British accent), "There's been rugby, there's been skiing, there's been monkey." I almost puked. And in his proposal, he actually said, "Monkey, will you marry me?" Disgusting.

Anyway, after watching this drivel, I've come up with a few surefire suggestions for improvements:

1. This whole show is supposed to be about people choosing marriage partners, only nobody ever gets married. A quick search reveals that in 12 seasons of this show, only one couple has ever actually gotten hitched. Obviously this is unacceptable.

The Bachelor and his chosen fiancee should be forced to wed during the final episode. Immediately. Get a minister or priest or a sea captain out there and make them tie the knot. And they should be forced to stay married, living together, for at least a year. This could be its own spinoff show. We'll see who's calling who "monkey" when Matt repeatedly leaves the toilet seat up and leaves his knickers out when Shayne's orange friends come over.

2. During the first episode, the Bachelor should narrow the field by playing a rousing game of "Weight or IQ?" This would consist of girls taking the stage one at a time and the host rattling off a number, e.g. 94. The Bachelor guesses whether that's her weight or her IQ--if he's right, she stays; if he's wrong, she goes home immediately.

3. Not sure if you knew this already, but the word "amazing" is now on the Endangered Species List due to gratuitous overuse on this show. Amanda's dress was amazing. Chelsea's personality was amazing. Matt's bathroom trip was amazing. Enough already. Whenever the Bachelor uses this word, a bucket of goo should automatically dump on his head until he learns. Like that wouldn't increase ratings.

Other ideas are welcome. I just want this to be the best show it can be.


Brian said...

If the Bachelor producers implement your suggestions I might actually start watching the show.

corbin said...

Good suggestions. I have a few of my own.

1. The girls are each issued one tube of super glue to use however they see fit in thwarting any other girl's romantic advances.

2. Who needs a second idea when your first one involves superficial super models and super glue. That's SUPER!

Heather said...

I haven't been watching (who needs to when you'll give us the run down?), but my in-laws always watch the last 5 minutes to see what happens...I could not BELIEVE he chose Shayne....and just for the record, "Monkey" is what Dwight calls Angela on The Office. Another reason we should all be concerned about this relationship.

Heather said...

Holy cow, Matt, yes, I DID see The Office last night...way to go out with a bang...and ensure we'll all be faithfully waiting for the beginning of season 5....

Eliza said...

I thoroughly enjoyed your suggestions and i think Corbin's will be big as well. I'm thinking that next season this whole "officer and a gentleman" motif has got to go. I'm thinking more "cannibal and a gentleman"...