Mr. Jones and Me

With this week's release of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," I thought I'd run a little quiz on our leather-hatted friend.

1. Which of the following serves as the archvillain in "Crystal Skull?"

a. A thrill-seeking Japanese billionaire
b. The chief of a godless native tribe sworn to avenge the white man's aggression
c. A rival archaeologist determined to finally make it big
d. The new nursing home attendant who won't give Indy his favorite bingo card

2. This movie marks the biggest box-office release for Harrison Ford since:

a. "K-19: The Widowmaker"
b. "Random Hearts"
c. "Water to Wine"
d. excuse me?

3. Which of the following was not among Ford's chief motivations for doing another Indiana Jones movie?

a. To prove to his skeptical public that he's still got it
b. To cash in on a surefire box-office smash
c. To work with proven Hollywood talent like Shia LeBeouf
d. To potentially meet some twentysomething, 92-pound hotties

4. What was Ford most worried about during shooting for the new film?

a. Remembering all his lines
b. Looking good cracking the Indy whip
c. Doing some of his own stunts
d. The other actors forgiving him for "Six Days Seven Nights"

5. Identify the rejected Indy line from the new movie:

a. "Only the penitent man shall pass"
b. "It belongs in a museum!"
c. "Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes!"
d. "Man is my arthritis bad today!"

6. In ten years, whom of the following is least likely to play Indy in a sequel?

a. Kevin Federline

b. Dwight Schrute

c. Rosie O'Donnell

d. Harrison Ford

ANSWERS: 1-6: d. Seriously though, I'm excited for this one.

Our Long National Nightmare is Over

Britain and America haven't warred since 1812, but that's going to change in the very near future. After last night's epic "Bachelor" finale in which one of the all-time dumbest and most annoying "U.S. Americans" successfully beguiled London's Matt Grant into proposing to her, I'm afraid the Queen Mum and the House of Lords and the PM and all the rest have no choice but to declare war on us. Don't say I didn't warn you.

It's not like we didn't see this proposal coming a mile away. Shayne was clearly Matt's favorite since very early in the show. We'll never know what it was that sold him on Shayne -- if it was her D-list celebrity father, her infuriating sing-song voice, or the orange greasy residue that hugging her always left on his clothes.

Leading up to the climactic proposal scene, we learn that Matt's nickname for her is "Monkey." Given her coloring, one can't help but wonder if Matt thinks she is an actual orangutan, but I digress. The point is, if the best nickname you can come up with for your fiancee is that of a smelly, sweaty, social-grooming feces thrower, something has gone horribly wrong.

During his proposal to Shayne, as Matt was recounting the various good times they'd had together, he said (British accent), "There's been rugby, there's been skiing, there's been monkey." I almost puked. And in his proposal, he actually said, "Monkey, will you marry me?" Disgusting.

Anyway, after watching this drivel, I've come up with a few surefire suggestions for improvements:

1. This whole show is supposed to be about people choosing marriage partners, only nobody ever gets married. A quick search reveals that in 12 seasons of this show, only one couple has ever actually gotten hitched. Obviously this is unacceptable.

The Bachelor and his chosen fiancee should be forced to wed during the final episode. Immediately. Get a minister or priest or a sea captain out there and make them tie the knot. And they should be forced to stay married, living together, for at least a year. This could be its own spinoff show. We'll see who's calling who "monkey" when Matt repeatedly leaves the toilet seat up and leaves his knickers out when Shayne's orange friends come over.

2. During the first episode, the Bachelor should narrow the field by playing a rousing game of "Weight or IQ?" This would consist of girls taking the stage one at a time and the host rattling off a number, e.g. 94. The Bachelor guesses whether that's her weight or her IQ--if he's right, she stays; if he's wrong, she goes home immediately.

3. Not sure if you knew this already, but the word "amazing" is now on the Endangered Species List due to gratuitous overuse on this show. Amanda's dress was amazing. Chelsea's personality was amazing. Matt's bathroom trip was amazing. Enough already. Whenever the Bachelor uses this word, a bucket of goo should automatically dump on his head until he learns. Like that wouldn't increase ratings.

Other ideas are welcome. I just want this to be the best show it can be.

The Dean Gave Me Syphilis

One of our deans is an infectious disease doctor, and she has recently given us some lectures on various bacteria.  The other day, she showed a clip of an old movie about syphilis and asked if anyone in class knew who played the lead actor.  Nobody did; it was Edward G. Robinson.

She then asked if anyone knew the name of Robinson's character, a doctor. 

 I drudged through my memories of microbiology from BYU and remembered that Dr. Paul Ehrlich discovered the first antibiotic, an arsenic-containing compound called salvarsan.  Trivia such as this sticks in my brain sometimes.

Anyway, as a reward for knowing this useless bit of minutia, the dean gave me syphilis.  Don't believe me?  Here's a picture!

Yes, this is Treponema pallidum from the GIANT Microbes stuffed animal collection.  They make perfect gifts.  Mother's Day is coming up, and what mother wouldn't love a little Flesh-Eating Bacterium on her special day?  And why stop there?  What better way to get that pesky ex to stop calling you than with a raging case of The Clap?  Oooohhh -- burn!!

The morale of the story?  Stay in school.  It might earn you a dose of the pox.